Monday, March 30, 2009

holy smoke

Breezy as life seems all my senses are upped by a couple of notches. Oranges taste sourer than usual, cigarettes tastes just a wee bit harder; the sun appears harsher as if the rays will enter me any minute. As if life has become these small packets within the same time frame. While one packet is moving faster than usual the other one is just a tad slow. The thoughts are jumping from one packet to another at the speed of light and a sense of déjà vu prevails. As if I’ve been here in this moment before and everything seems repetitive. In one moment I’m like an alien to this world while in the other everything seems mine.
And just when the alienation seems absolute those around beckon me to come back.

In those fleeting moments you get the feeling that somehow you are unwanted and those around you realizing that you’ve guessed that try everything within their domain to make you feel otherwise. And you enjoy that party crashing unwanted feeling as if defiant to a certain force that’s trying to detach you from everything. Every act seems to be taking a longer time than usual-the opening of a lock or switching on a light, even opening the WordPad is like a jihad. While riding you feel you are going at 150 instead of 50. There is this numb feeling and everything seems so calm as if the noises are coming from somewhere far and you are far from the noises as if your insides are flying around you while your body is sitting with them.
You want to correct everything about your life with a tick mark. As if this is it, the greatest escape but you don’t want to go you want to remain here as if there is some unfinished business. The resolve for life grows stronger.

Thoughts bombarding me like shells from a machine gun and I want to remember all of them so that I can pen them down. Allexcellent. The frequency is unbound. And as a new one enters the older one leaves even as harder as I try not to part.

And in those fleeting moments you promise that you won’t take it again as if you are bribing God to let you remain in this world for a longer duration. At some stage the soul snatching becomes absolutely unbearable and you want to undo the past 2-3 hours of your life. Sitting in front of the shithole which resembles your life and you are the sum totals of all the impurity flowing in it. The guilt of all that you think is wrong and are not sure about is coming out of you with every blow. And in those fleeting moments you don’t want to remember anyone as they are some part of your guilt and all your energy is focused on survival. If you survive this you will survive all.
As if you life means something to you and you want to fight for it till you last breath.
You see people and you want to understand them just by the look of their eyes. You feel they are looking at you with a sense of belonging. All the answers seem too perfect and everything makes sense. Every song seems pure and singing along with it will somehow impure it. And it takes more than a couple of attempts to voice along with it. All your mistakes seem larger than you ever felt them to be. You want to be left alone. It’s as if you have arrived at the solution where you can leave to some far off place without even moving from your chair. And those sitting in front of you are trying everything to help you reach that unknown destination. Your mind tries to move in some other direction and your heart somewhere else. The mind shows you the guilt, the heart wants you to forget it and enjoy the flight. The heart is kind and helps the lightness to beat the heaviness which is powered by the brain. You want to tear your brain out and almost do it but it’s your organ and due to that yourorganloving feeling you plead with your heart to make peace with its neighbor.

You loose track of time yet again and feel as if a century has passed since you had been sitting here and you won’t be able to get up again. As if with another drag your chance of reclaiming your stance dims. After enough bullshitting you take another drag and then another and another and then ask your head to screw himself as if you are too sure that “I will be able to stand again”. After this entire tussle you realize that it hasn’t been such a long time after all and the mind is not all that bad. But then you do try to get up as if to prove someone wrong or reassure yourself about your power to stand. And you are able to do it with some effort and then the next step is to walk as if you are trying to learn to walk once again and this time if you fall they won’t pick you up because it’s not your first time. You are able to make the steps and rejoice once again but however hard you try you are unable to put that foot where you want to put it and since you are too high to curse yourself the vanity makes you enjoy that.

Tu to jaane na maine ki teri bandage tu sanam hai tu khuda hai mahiya.
I call her in these fleeting moments to hold me like one of her props. Play with me like she plays with her hair. Rub me on her body like she rubs soap.
I want to see all that is hidden inside her behind those clothes she wears. The moment I take a dive through her eyes inside her she moves them away and I start drowning inside her. Call me an insane paranoid or whatever you want but I want to shake her with a look. I want her to make me feel like her prized possession. Something she doesn’t wants to part with. And I won’t touch her until then. Until I am absolutely sure that it’s me she wants and I am not just some stoppage or switchover through which she wants to board another train which will take her to a happier place. I am ready to take her to that place but want to be sure she won’t leave me the moment she reaches there. Stranded inside her without her and without anything to hide myself is my greatest fear. I want to see her at particular times which are hard to describe. Is there any time when I don’t want to see her? Yeah, only when I am with her. I don’t know how but she seems more captivating in my thoughts. Her charm reduces that moment she confronts me. Maybe because I am able to be myself with she in my thoughts or maybe she is able to be her only then.

Dekh kar tumko tamanna jil jaati hai har ek fariyaad dil se nikal jaati hai.
I look through a window and see you opening the gates and running straight towards me with the look as if you haven’t seen me in years and I celebrate that victory as if your homecoming is some sort of a game that I was playing with myself. And every time I promise that I won’t celebrate this hard and every time I rejoice harder.
I am on the verge where there are no more emotions left for me to feel while I’m with you in my imagination and no more words left to record those feelings. It’s a dead end. As if there is this great wall at the end separating reality from imagination and it is only after breaking that wall and touching you in real will I am able to write about my feelings for you or have any new feelings.


Anonymous said...

If some one does not see you.... it is that they are not the deserved one to read your imagination.... I really loved it... its worth reading...

Unknown said...

Trippy! Very well written.

Amina Razzaqui said...

Trippy! Very well written.